Pieces of Me

long list of ex lovers

they'll tell you i'm insane

Despite the fact that I got over my exes, I never really let them go. They will forever be a part of me. I will always care about them even long after they stop caring about me. That’s just my nature. I have a bit of an askew notion towards exes. I really mean it when I say I want to be friends. It’s hard for me to really let go of people. Every person that has been in my life takes a little piece of me with them when they leave. I’m a sentimental sucker and people who are no longer in my life have the ability to tug at my heartstrings. It doesn’t mean I want to be with them. It’s just hard for me to accept that someone who was once a big part of my life basically doesn’t exist anymore.

They say everything happens for a reason. I tend to doubt this theory, especially when I’m reeling from a failed relationship. I wonder what the purpose was for having that person cross my path. I think maybe I’ve gotten it all wrong. They were not in my life for a reason. Maybe I was in their life for a reason. They were destined to meet me and learn some important lessons. I was the catalyst for their happily ever after.

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The Abe Lincoln to my Walt Whitman

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    Robin Williams made quite an impact in life and an even bigger one in death. His suicide has opened a lot of eyes and given people a different view of the world and the people in it. Some people can’t comprehend how a man could feel so lonely when he was adored by so many. To many it just doesn’t make sense how a man who brought so much joy and happiness could be so sad. It’s hard to fathom that such dark thoughts were dwelling behind such bright eyes.
    It is often said that the happiest people are the saddest. That seems to be the case more often than not. There is a misconception that someone who is depressed is completely void of joy and incapable of being happy. Depression does not mean that someone is sad every second of every day.
     Making people smile is a great thing. Making them laugh is even better. 
     Suicide doesn’t necessarily mean that a person couldn’t find joy. Perhaps they are just tired of fighting.
   
   

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September 24, 2014 · 9:44 pm

A Year in Review

This past year was full of mistakes and miracles. Truth, lies, hope, and reality. Realizations, oblivion, epiphanies, fantasies, delusions, discoveries, and lessons learned the hard way. Break-ups and breakdowns. Making up and melting down. Good times and great friends. Laughter, tears, hugs, pain, kisses, and kiss-off’s. Phone calls and close calls. Blessings that were counted and endowments that were taken for granted. Things that warmed your heart and things that broke you apart. Fears that were conquered and accomplishments that were achieved. Hopefully, we’ll all continue to evolve and grow this year as well.

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Make Love Not War

All’s fair in love and war? I beg to differ. With loved ones, friends, and significant others there are lines that dare not be crossed. Judging, bringing up the past, name-calling, assumptions, accusations, comparisons, spewing insults, and pointing fingers are anything but fair. Empty words cut deep; loaded ones even deeper. The bell rings and you come out from your respective corners in a blind fury with fists flying in a no holds barred grudge match. There is no referee to blow his whistle when someone hits below the belt or a scorekeeper tallying up the points. It’s bloody knuckles until TKO or when someone taps out. Even then it’s hard to determine when the fight is over. No one is declared the winner. There is no real victory. You both lose. There is no purse, no trophy, no medal. Instead there is irreparable emotional damage, bruised egos, diminished dignity, and quite possibly the loss of that relationship. The injuries may not be visible, but they are indeed long-lasting.


Words fly off of the tongue when emotions are running high. You may speak without thinking and not mean any of it. Or you may mean every word of it, but shouldn’t have said it. This tends to result in a duel in which the weapons of choice are spiteful comments and no one bothers to take twenty paces. You push all of the boundaries and couldn’t care less. Even when you realize that this petulant bickering is pointless, you still keep your guard up. You don’t want to back down because, despite knowing better, you want to believe that there will be a winner and it will be you. The line has been crossed and probably a few times over. You’ve bombed each other’s cities. You realize that you’re tired of fighting what seems to be a losing battle. Drained and numb…not just mentally, but physically as well. You can’t even remember what started the whole thing or who fired the first shot. You’ve both said what could quite possibly be unforgivable. Those vicious remarks are the emotional equivalent to Agent Orange. The damage has been done. You have reached the point of no return. There are no war spoils to be collected. As I said before, there is no victor.


It’s time to surrender. Call a stalemate. Come out with your hands up. It may seem as if you are admitting defeat, but really, you’re both already defeated. There is no such thing as fair fighting when it comes to matters of the heart. What good can possibly come from being cruel just to get your point across? Someone needs to step up and wave the white flag. Whether that be to admit that the other is right or to utilize the phrase that makes everyone cringe: agree to disagree. Or just to simply shut up and walk away. Apply those early life teachings that are corny, but relevant: “If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all.” Or, “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” Count to ten, go have a drink, sleep on it…whatever cliche technique works for you, do it. Do something, anything. Or in some cases, nothing. 


Don’t allow your rage to consume you…there are too many angry people running around as it is.

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Can’t We All Just Get Along?

I don’t believe that love dies. I may fall out of love with someone, but I still have love for them. They were a significant part of my life which means they’ll always be in my heart. I will always care for them, wish the best for them, and hope that they will remain in my life. I don’t want to experience awkwardness should we ever pass by each other on the street. I want to see their smile when they spot me and reach for a friendly hug and tell me all about how they’re doing. If I were to completely cut every ex-boyfriend out of my life, I would miss out on knowing some great people. Just because someone is a bad boyfriend for me doesn’t mean that they are a bad person. The world is already so full of hate…why are we so quick to stop caring?

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No Sleep Tonight

The daylight has faded into dusk.

I’m still hours,

Maybe even days

Away from sleep.

Sitting here alone with my thoughts

And a growing sense of dismay.

My self-worth was never truly palpable,

Simply a hallucination created somewhere

Within the darkest, most depraved

Corners of my mind.

How quickly the illusion has vanished and

Became the most futile of emotions

That is jealousy.

Naivety, much like ignorance,

Is truly bliss.

Reality has crumbled the walls

Of what I had created,

Giving away to truth.

Everything has become crystal clear.

Facts, they were not,

Merely fabrications contrived

From the coldest of hearts 

And the sickest of minds.

My cheerful expression is purely a facade

To fool onlookers.

Should they look past the exterior,

They would see a soul that is dying.

An abyss of pain and anguish.

There is no salvation for such a damaged spirit.

Now here I am,

Hours,

Maybe even days away

From sleep.

Unable to relinquish

Thoughts of my lack of significance…

Why I’m not good enough…

How I could be replaced so easily…

These thoughts unreasonably become

Tears which burn my eyes

And roll down my cheeks.

And I’m still hours,

Maybe even days away from sleep.

 

 

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What Do You Do When…?

What do you do when 

The pain just won’t go away?

And your words get twisted

No matter what you say?

 

What do you do when

Every day is completely frustrating,

And you try to take a breath,

But you’re just suffocating?

 

What do you do when 

Sleep is the only way out?

No one can hear you

No matter how loud you shout.

 

What do you do when

You can’t escape the past?

And it seems as if

Nothing is meant to last?

 

What do you do when

Those thoughts haunt your dreams?

Who knows if anything 

Is really what it seems?

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